a search helicopter?!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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