I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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