I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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