Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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