I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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