This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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