1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
