I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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