Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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