I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize