dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
