So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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