woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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