i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
sex in a hospital.. check
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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