textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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