I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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