I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
