Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
