I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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