I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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