News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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