Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
