I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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