Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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