you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
