I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
