i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
