He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
