He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
