last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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