Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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