I wannas sexs uuuuu
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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