Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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