I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I need to stop coming to work sober
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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