Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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