Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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