drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
