HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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