Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
