I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
