I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize