I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
