FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
