Man, jail baloney is awful.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
