Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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