I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
