when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
