Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
