I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
