I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
