what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
