You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
