smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
