she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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