I can text with my tongue
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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