This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
