I am midnight drunk by noon
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
