she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
