Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize