I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
