The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
