she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
