Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
