My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
