My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sext me about skeletons
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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